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The Cordial Gentleman: How To Have A One Night Stand

The New York Times recently published an article by Daniel Bergner titled Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That. The article explores the first female-desire drug in America and the plan to begin the project’s marketing next fall. The article went viral and the world began buzzing about the woman’s answer to Viagra; the beginning of the pharmaceutical quest to give women a better sex life.

A few months prior, research conducted at the University of Tennessee found that your first sexual encounter not only matters, but also can predict long-term sexual satisfaction. Here’s to not letting incompetence and uncertainty keep you from plunging in with enthusiasm. And the research doesn’t stop there. Scientists argue that sex reduces anxiety, combats depression, and maybe even makes us smarter. If nothing else, despite our best attempts at defining and understanding it, sex tends to inevitably wreak havoc across our lives.

Sex, in and of itself, inherently creates a great deal of conflicts within us. We crave sex with people we do not know or love and it makes us want to do degrading things to the people we do love. But let’s focus on the former – staying classy in pursuit of the dirty, no strings attached sex we’re all dying to have. Here’s how to have a one night stand like the cordial gentleman you are.

The Cordial Gentleman: How To Have A One Night StandTHE HUNT

First you’ve got to know where to look. Work events and holiday parties can be ridden with sexual tension and drunken opportunity, but it’s not worth tainting your professional reputation. While you’re at it, avoid sex with anyone you’re likely to run into again – such as your mail carrier, the cute barista at your local café, or any of your siblings’ friends.

While searching for the perfect partner for a night of reckless indiscretion, try to avoid acting like a malnourished orca prowling the sea for innocent sea turtles to devour. The right amount of unavailability is sexy and can get you far in and outside of the bedroom.

THE CORDIAL GENTLEMAN: HOW TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STANDTHE PERSUASION

Once you’ve spotted your target, conversation is key. No matter what the whiskey in your glass is telling you, you are not James Dean. Chances are you can’t pull off a line like, “Excuse me, do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.” Always let the other person lead. Treat this endeavor as a very casual, shortsighted first date. First dates are nothing more than job interviews with expensive cocktails anyways.

It’s important to note here that the conversation should stay light. Do not mention your exes, family feuds, or name-drop your therapist. Bars are crowded; you’re going to have to check your emotional baggage at the door.

Don’t get too drunk. Unfortunately sometimes too much alcohol can lead to equipment malfunction. You also run the risk of flopping around like a dying trout on top of your innocent victim’s naked body. When in doubt, skip that last glass of liquid encouragement.

THE CORDIAL GENTLEMAN: HOW TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STANDTHE OL’ IN-N-OUT

If you’ve gotten this far, chances are it’s a closed deal. It’s vital that the “no strings attached” declaration happens before your pants come off. If so, this should unfold as quick and easy as a really sweaty handshake.

Avoid bringing them back to your place. This always leaves room for the timeless awkward song-and-dance, “How do I get you to leave without sounding like a dick?”

Also, use a condom. Because there’s no valid reason not to. But feel free to be a little freaky. Use this as an opportunity to explore the wondrous and indecent things that having a body drives you to want. Let your inhibitions run wild.

Disclaimer; it’s probably not a good idea to let a stranger tie you up. That’s a can of worms not worth opening – just in case.

After midnight, you should probably offer to share your bed for the night. Maybe even consider pouring a complimentary cup of coffee in the morning. And be honest. Don’t say something like “maybe we can see each other again” if you don’t intend on making eye contact after the final thrust. If you were up front about keeping things simple, both parties should be on the same page.

Just because the sex is casual doesn’t mean your manners should be. Always remember – good sex can turn into regular sex. Good luck, gentlemen.

 

*This article is a guest post by none other than Chad Hensley. He is a 22-year-old writer and editor from Brooklyn, New York as well as the author of Writing All My Wrongs. Say hello to him on Twitter.

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